


tired.

by orphan_account



Series: too close to the stars [3]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hurt Peter Parker, May Parker (Spider-Man) Dies, Peter Parker Angst, Peter Parker Deserves Better, Peter Parker Gets a Hug, Peter Parker Has Issues, Peter Parker Has Nightmares, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker is a Mess, Precious Peter Parker, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-07-20 11:36:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19991515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Peter can't sleep.Every emotion floods his brain until the vibrant colors and swirling storms full of memories fade to a gray dull color. All of the moments he's done something wrong, said the wrong thing, made the wrong choice, it piles up inside of him until he is a void of emptiness. The guilt and anger he feels during the day is nothing compared to the hollow echo of sadness that fills him whole when the moon rises with the stars.





	1. I see those tears in your eyes

_1\. I see those tears in your eyes_

Peter can't sleep.

Every emotion floods his brain until the vibrant colors and swirling storms full of memories fade to a gray dull color. All of the moments he's done something wrong, said the wrong thing, made the wrong choice, it piles up inside of him until he is a void of emptiness. The guilt and anger he feels during the day is nothing compared to the hollow echo of sadness that fills him whole when the moon rises with the stars.

Sometimes he talks to the moon and stars, just to have some company. He tells them what he did that day, how stupidly in love he is with MJ, where his favorite quiet place is. Most of the times after he tells them these things, he fully realizes that he is alone.

Sure, he has Ned and MJ to talk to, but the bad thing is that Peter likes being alone. Despite this, he doesn't like loneliness. Being alone and loneliness are two completely different things to the boy. He knows what they both feel like, and he wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone else.

Peter seems to realize when he is alone or lonely, which just makes his mind churn even more in unwanted situations. He knows he is never truly alone, but sometimes he can still feel like that little boy trapped in his own mind, hopelessly trying to understand why his parents and Ben were gone and were never coming back.

He feels stuck in the single room of the mansion in his mind, the dark room where dark paintings full of memories are covering the dark walls. When he closes his eyes he can picture it, and it has been there for years. All of the bad memories and the terrible things that have happened are in cardboard boxes, piled up in the corner. Sometimes his mind drifts to them, opening them up and pulling out his worst fears for him to dream. But it's not like he chooses to dream these things, it just happens most of the time.

Tonight he can feel the panic attack coming on. He can feel it even before his mind twists a sick illusion to wake him in the middle of his slumber. Peter's fear and panic then takes a hold on his lungs, slowly squeezing more and more until he is breathing heavily because of the lack of oxygen around him. He can feel it in his chest and all the way to his fingertips as they tingle. The pain and suffering of the darkness grabs a hold of him for a few moments until he gasps, air finally filling his lungs once again. He doesn't open his eyes until seconds later as he lets go of the sheets surrounding him, hot tears streaming down his face.

Peter glances around his room, shaking in fear, his breaths ragged and hushed. He doesn't want to wake up May with his crying, especially not today as she had such a long day at the hospital. He shakes his head as he swipes at his eyes, his fingers itching to cling on to someone, to something. The feeling of loneliness is sinking in and he needs to push it away somehow.

Minutes later he managed to pull his suit on, not caring that it's 2AM and his eyes seem to be burning like fire. He needs to stop some burglaries, supervise the streets, anything to get himself out of the dark room that he's been holed up in all night.

Peter slips his mask on as soon as he gets outside of the apartment, remembering that he can't get caught without it on. As he sits on the edge of the fire escape, looking out onto the streets below him, he softly tells Karen to scan the nearest places of emergency or crimes. Most times he likes to just watch over certain streets that might seem a bit scary to people, making sure that some of the residents living near there know it's safe because he's there to protect them.

He likes having the reassurance of safety. Ever since he was a little boy, his favorite action figures were Iron Man and Captain America. He and his friends would watch the tv in excitement, hoping to become as great as these superheroes someday. Even when his friends moved away, or when his parents and Ben had disappeared in a tragedies, Peter still had his superheroes to tell him to keep going, that he was going to be safe as long as they were around. It was a part of him years ago, and it's still a little part of him today.

Peter shakes his head to escape the memories, Karen's voice filling his ears almost quietly. She tells him of the recent burglary he missed by moments a couple streets away, but the police have it covered. She goes on to tell him of a neon parade happening near the old Avenger's tower, and he smiles a little at that. He's been wanting to watch this parade for a while, and doing it as Spider-Man will make it all the better.

It takes him a few minutes to make it to the street, but he can see the glowing lights from a few blocks away.

-

After a while of watching the parade and looking after the children and parents, the noise and commotion dies down around him. Then he notices his favorite policeman try to sneak up on him, but he spins around just in time.

"Larry! What's up? I haven't seen you in so long!" Spider-Man exclaims, pulling the big guy into a bro hug a little too hard.

The man pulls away a little quickly, cradling his own hand. "C'mon, man! You gotta remember that super strength." He teases while punching the boy's shoulder, and Peter looks behind him. He notices the orange tint in the sky and realizes how long he's actually been out.

"Hey, uh, I'll see you later, I gotta go. Sorry!" He rushes his words, pushing past him and trying to find an open space in the midst of the crowd. Peter slings a web to the closest building, pulling himself up and thinking he can make it home in time if he goes fast enough. He rounds the corner too quickly, and his spider sense goes off a little too late, and before he knows it he is on the biggest float, in front of everyone.

Peter shakes his head from the pounding and ringing in his ears, trying to see through the blinding lights around him since the parade is basically over. He slings another web and quickly pulls himself away from the noise of flashing cameras and yelling people. As he swings he goes as fast as he can, bile climbing up his throat with every second.

Peter finally makes it home, and slips off his suit as fast as he can. He stumbles into the bathroom, throwing up anything he has ate in the last twenty four hours, tears freely streaming down his face for no reason at all. He did good tonight, didn't he? A lost little girl was returned to her parents, he got to say hi to Larry, but what was haunting him was the crowds. God, he felt so trapped in crowds. Looking back on the way he fell on to the float in front of _all_ _those_ _people_ , he realizes he couldn't have made a bigger mistake.

After his breakdown, Peter takes a shower and puts some clothes on, his eyes burning and shoulders slumped. He feels exhausted, and he can't remember a time when an all nighter like this had drained him so much.

He walks into his room again, noticing the eerily quiet apartment. As he grabs his phone, anxiety takes a hold of him as he notices the millions of texts from May hours before. The last one from her was about an hour earlier, saying that she was going out to look for him, wherever he was. Peter curses under his breath and walks into the kitchen, texting her back for her to call him when she sees it. As he sends the text the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, and he knows he is not alone in the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmm not sure what to think of this fic............... definitely not my best work lol


	2. I feel so helpless inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh you guys, this is so short i apologize i just wanted to post lol

_2_. _I feel so helpless inside_

Peter turns around quickly, aiming his web shooters at the intruder to his home. He almost stumbles back in as he lowers his hands, looking at the man in confusion.

"Tony?" Peter says, dumbfounded. It's six in the morning, Tony usually doesn't pick him up for school until seven fifteen. "W-What are you doing here?" If Peter hasn't stumbled already, he was sure stumbling on his words.

"Hey, kid." Tony smiles sadly, pulling the boy in for a hug. Peter's stiff body clashes into his, and a million thoughts are racing through his head. _Why_ _is Tony here? Did I do something wrong?_

After a few moments, Peter relaxes in the billionaire's tight grip around him, relishing in the love he is pouring out for the boy by wrapping himself around the slightly taller figure. He's not sure what is happening, but it doesn't seem to matter because Tony is here, and his kid feels _loved_.

"You didn't answer my question, dad." Peter says, his voice slightly muffled in the man's expensive suit. Tony slowly pulls away and sits them down, tears in his eyes. "Tony, _seriously_ , what's going on?"

"Peter..." Tony can't even look him in the eyes, it's too hard. After moments of anticipation, he finally looks up again, Peter's face etched with worry and concern for his dad. "May was shot, it was a drive by, and she- she was caught in the crossfire." Tony barely finishes, waiting for something to happen to reverse this tragedy.

Peter's lungs get knocked down, all the air pulled from what is left. _No_. She was just texting him, she was just here, she couldn't have been shot, she's... _gone_ _forever_?

 _No_.

"Peter-" Tony reaches out to touch his son's shoulder, knowing his kid would be crumbling in seconds.

"No!" He pulls away, standing up and backing away from Tony with shaking hands. "She's not gone, Tony, she's- she was just looking for me."

Peter's vision blurs, his voice cracking. "I went out last night and- and she texted me. She's still out there, she can't-"

Tony gets up, walking over to the now panicking boy. "She can't be gone Tony, she just, she can't!" Peter refuses to believe. He doesn't want to live in a world without May. A world without May is black and white, she was the color to light up the dark.

 _But_ _now_ _it's_ _gone_.

 _NO_.

"She's gone, Peter." Tony says with a broken heart. Tears flow freely down his face and Peter realizes that it's true.

 _May_ _is_ _gone_ _and_ _she's_ _never_ _coming_ _back_.

-

 _Then_ _the_ _world_ _around_ _him_ _collapses_.

The walls close in around Peter, taking every bit of happiness he has ever known to have. His senses are going haywire, picking up every sound in the entire building. Every heartbeat pounds his skull like a hammer, and with every beat another memory of May clouds like fog in his mind. Her laugh, her smile, her endless teasing, all gone.

It gets sucked down a black hole of nothingness, a place in Peter's mind he swore to himself never to go near again. It wants to pull him under too, but no matter how much he wants to go, or how much he fights it, he stays where he is, shaking in the arms of his dad.

"No, Tony, _please_ ," Peter gasps, gripping on to his shirt so hard it might just rip. He almost collapses in Tony's arms, wanting those memories back. He wants new memories, the kinds of memories with May that he smiles at when he's sad, or laughs with her when they're reminiscing. _But_ _he_ _can't_ , and it's tearing him up inside.

"We're gonna be ok, Pete. I promise." Tony whispers into the boy's hair. He knows in his heart that they can make it through this, but he also knows that it's going to be hard. But he's willing to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think we can all agree that if this had actually happened in the mcu we would all be sobbing because of our bby boy peter parker


	3. there's no need to hide

_3\. there's no need to hide_

Peter's lungs are filled with shards of glass, the remains of his shattered heart scraping against his insides, making it harder to breathe. Every breath he takes without the presence of May is so _painful_ , and he just wants the pain to go away. Here in Tony's arms, he wants to feel that warmth of love again, he wants to feel _anything_ but the sharp edges of the glass that are constantly tearing him apart.

Peter has stopped crying for now, yet he knows that what he is feeling is far from over. Tony knows it too, but isn't addressing it right away. He has already told Happy that they're coming down in a little bit, to call the school and explain what's happened, and to tell them where he's going to be.

Peter clings to Tony through it all, afraid that if he lets go of him, or even lets him out of his sight, he just might disappear too. The thought of it shakes him to the core, and makes him hold on tighter.

"Pete, we gotta pack a bag for you, you're going to stay at the compound for a while." Tony says softly, scared that the kid's senses are too strong again. Peter only nods his head, backing away from the man but still holding onto the sleeve of his suit jacket. His eyes burn as he finds a bag and some clothes to stuff in it, taking his favorite teddy bear and blanket along also.

Happy gives the boy a small smile of sympathy as he opens the door for them both minutes later, before wiping away some tears of his own. He takes the bag to put in the trunk as Tony and Peter get situated in the back of the car, Tony draping a blanket over the kid with the teddy bear held closely to his chest.

Peter hasn't let go of Tony yet, and it's almost a little concerning to the man. Sure, this is traumatic for the boy, but shouldn't he be almost calmer by now? The kid's dad only holds him closer, shushing the tears and whimpers the best he can as they drift to sleep.

About an hour and a nap later they both sit up, yawning and stretching in the small backseat. Peter looks around drowsily, still in awe of the compound's beauty. He's been here multiple times, and even has his own room, yet it never ceases to amaze him.

"A-Are the other Avengers here, Tony?" Peter says nervously, his hand finding his dad's suit jacket sleeve once again. Happy trails behind them with Peter's lightweight bag as they walk inside, Tony keeping his kid close.

"Just Steve and Bucky, but they're training right now. They should be in the living space in a little bit though." Tony says, telling FRIDAY to unlock the main doors. The AI complies and says hello to Peter, asking about Karen as they set some things down.

"Um, dad? Can I go to my room?" Peter says, choking up with tear filled eyes. He wishes May was still looking for him, that she were here, or maybe that she was on her way to pick him up. His mind drifts from memory to memory from last night, and he tenses once he remembers something.

If May wouldn't have been looking for him, she wouldn't have been shot. If only he had stayed in that night, he knew she was tired and worried. A small voice whispers something in the back of his mind, and next time he hears it, it's multiplied by thousands of voices.

_It was all your fault._

No, it couldn't have been, he didn't know-

**_It was all your fault._ **

He starts to believe the words.

-

Tony looks down at the terror stricken face and pulls Peter from beside him. "Pete? Peter, what's wrong?" The man gently says, concern lacing his voice easily. Tears streak down the boy's face but he says nothing, sitting down on the couch with his dad.

"C'mon, kid, talk to me." Tony takes Peter's hands in his own, unfolding his fists only to find speckles of blood. Peter clenched his fists so hard that he could be scarring them. He looks up and Peter pulls away from the man.

"It was all my fault, Tony, it was all my fault." Peter curls up into a fetal position, pulling up his knees to his chest. Sobs echo throughout the room, and Tony's heart crumbles into a million pieces. " _She died because of me_."

No matter how many hugs, no matter how much love Tony is pouring out for his kid, _nothing_ is stopping the tears. Peter is crying so hard into his dad's chest that he's not sure if this pain will ever stop. He wants to go back to the feeling of nothing, Peter wants to drift into oblivion and not worry anymore.

Most of all, he wants to hide.

He needs a safe place, somewhere he can be alone and cry and do anything he can to get the _painful_ shards of glass out from inside him. His shattered heart can only be mended by May, and _she isn't here to help_.

Peter thinks of any place that he might have the slightest comfort, and he realizes something. He feels comfort _here_ , with Tony, with his dad, in his arms being loved.

So, Peter hides.

He hides from Steve and Bucky when they walk into the room, he hides from Tony when he asks quietly what's wrong, he hides from the nothingness that seems to be tugging at him again, he hides from the memories of May that seems to be flooding his senses, and he hides from the pain of heartbreak as he knows it.

This whole time he hides buried in Tony's chest, scared of everything around him, every thing he does seems to hurt himself and everyone around him so why not just _hide_.

"Pete, please just say something... I need something to tell me that you're going to be ok." Tony whispers, yet Peter's spider sense multiplies it by a thousand.

"I'm not ok." The faintest whisper from Peter says enough, and Tony realizes, _he's broken_ , _and there's no cure._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres a lot of angst here but the next chapter should be fluff hehe


	4. just let me love you

_4\. just let me love you_

Peter sleeps for what it seems like forever.

His dreams consist of colors, constellations floating from place to place and a star that is made just for him. He wants to touch the vibrant lights, he wants to relish in their warmth they radiate so brightly. But no matter how far he runs, no matter how much he _longs_ for that warmth to surround him, he can never catch it. The tingle of the warm star touches his skin lightly, but he's frozen.

Goosebumps erupt over Peter's skin and suddenly a stab of suffering and pain strikes him in the chest. The star starts to fade away, the colors of happiness slipping through his fingers. The more he is pulled away, the more he falls down the hole of darkness. He's falling, and falling, and falling, until he reaches the ground, slamming hard into the cement. He scrambles up, an aching in his bones and heart as he looks around frantically.

Then Peter sees it.

The blood on the ground, the escaping car whose tires squeal throughout the street. He runs over to May, the dark crimson liquid staining his hands as he clutches her wound. She looks up at him, whispering something that he can't quite make out. He leans down, feeling the unimaginable pain of loss tear at his chest when he gets closer.

"You could've saved me." May whispers with one last breath.  
-  
Peter's eyes snap open as he sits upright, and he shouts. "No!" Sobs echo throughout his room, the soundproof walls letting no one else hear him. Tear after tear, he chants her name over and over, clutching the sheets around him so hard the fabric rips like a piece of paper.

"Peter!" Tony opens the door quickly, taking a glimpse of the kid's sunken state. He rushes over to him, sitting down next to the boy who is now gasping desperately for air.

"Tony." He says with a broken voice, more of a broken heart than anything. "I could've saved her- she- she died because of me-" Peter talks in gasps, so frantically that the tears rolling down his cheeks are the least of his any concern.

"It wasn't your fault, we'll be ok-" Tony reaches out to Peter's arm, but the boy backs away, almost flinching at contact. Hurt and confusion etch his dad's face, watching as the kid curls away from him almost in pain.

"How could you say that?" Venom spits from Peter voice, a cold harsh tone he hardly uses with anyone. Tears blur his vision but he rapidly wipes them away, wanting to get away from this place. He scrambles to the edge of his bed. "How could you say that everything will be ok when it's _not_! Nothing is ever going to be ok again and _I'm_ the reason why."

Peter stands up and runs out of the room, glancing around on where to go. His lungs are crumbling, his breaths getting more and more shallow. He senses someone rounding the corner just as he is, and he doesn't stop in time.

"Hey, kid, watch where you're going." Bucky chuckles, stepping back to examine the boy. Bucky sees Tony walk away from the corner of his eye, no doubt going to talk to Pepper about this. It's deep into the hours of the night, and quite frankly, Bucky is surprised to see the kid up this late too. But as he sees the tear streaks down his cheeks, the brokenness that is deep inside his brown eyes, he knows what happened.

"Oh Pete." Bucky mutters, Peter's trembling lip giving himself away. The ex-assassin can see the hurt and anger flash in his eyes, looking down at his clenched fists. Bucky takes them in his and almost sighs when Peter flinches back in response.

As he opens the kid's fists slowly, he cringes at what he sees. Lines of blood almost trickle down the palms of Peter's hands, and that's when Peter feels guilt tug at the bottom of his stomach.

"I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt m-myself, Mr. Bucky, I swear." Another whimper escapes his mouth as Bucky tries to wipe away the blood with the hem of his shirt, his face lined with concern.

"It's ok-"

"No!" Peter pulls away almost instantly, surprising the soldier at the sudden outburst. The kid almost stumbles back, wanting to get even farther away from here.

"Peter." Bucky looks at him sternly, silently telling him to calm down and explain.

Another pang of guilt makes him want to sink into the ground. "Just... don't say that." He says quietly. "Please?" Chocolate eyes stare up at the man and he nods, almost in confusion.

"Let's go to the bathroom, I'm sure there are some bandages that will help. We need to clean it out too, ok?" Bucky leads the way down the hall, Peter trailing behind him like a lost puppy. He doesn't want to get left behind in these walls, and the thought of being alone shakes him to the core so badly that he holds onto Bucky's sleeve, just as he did with Tony.

Bucky takes no note to it as they step into the clean bathroom that belongs to Steve. He searches the cabinets as Peter blows his nose, his feet dangling off of the edge of the counter he is sitting on. He takes a deep breath as Bucky sets down the white tape, and the clean cloths to wash his small wounds.

"So, what are you doing up this late?" Bucky asks, dabbing some alcohol on the wound, earning a soft sigh of pain from the teen. Peter relaxes slightly but tenses up a little again when he remembers to answer the question.

"Bad dream, I guess." He mumbles softly, watching closely as Bucky studies him a moment before wrapping both of his hands with the white tape. Pete squeezes both of his hands together, figuring the wounds would heal in a matter of days, though it was good to clean and bandage them now.

Peter jumps down from the counter as Bucky puts the things away, averting his eyes from the former soldier's gaze. "Um, thank you, Bucky." Peter feels his nails dig into the tape and for a split second, a similar memory of May fills his mind.

He sees her smiling fondly at him, holding his hands in hers, brushing away the tears from his face. She would hug him, tell him that it was ok, that everything would turn out fine, that the bullies would grow up someday and leave him alone. And the worst part is, _he believed it._ He fucking believed that everything would be ok, that he would eventually be at peace with himself.

But he realizes that nothing will ever be ok again.

Every small thing that happens reminds him of her, of her smile, her laugh, the way she cared _so much_ for him.

 _Gone_.

The word echoes throughout his whole being, pulling him back to reality. Bucky his holding him at arms length, slightly shaking him and saying his name.

"Peter! Can you hear me?"

Peter's mind finally clears, and he looks at Bucky's face fully. "She's gone." The boy whispers with such pain in his voice, it makes Bucky's heart ache with the same brokenness.


	5. when your heart is tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is such a boring chapter i apologize :,(

_5\. when your heart is tired_

What Peter wasn't expecting that next morning, was to be waking up to the smell of pancakes. He opened his eyes slowly, glancing around his dim room before hiding under his blankets again. The boy could sense Tony coming into his large corridor, opening the curtains, and so Peter did what he did best, _he_ _hid_.

"Ok, Pete, you want some breakfast?" Tony tried to act cheerful, but that was just a lie. He was mourning the death of May too, but he couldn't show the kid his weak side. He needed to be strong for him, and he didn't plan on doing anything but that.

Peter groans and sinks deeper into the mattress, mumbling a soft, "go away," to his dad. Tony only sighs, and stands up to leave.

"Wait." Peter says a little more clearly, squinting through the brightness of the sun. Tony turns around, in hopes for the kid to tell him he wants to get out of bed. "Close the curtains, please."

-

"Go. Away." Peter says for the fifth time, with an edge in his voice. Tony had walked in here about a half an hour after breakfast with the team, saying he wanted to talk about things that were coming up. Most specifically, _May's_ _funeral_.

God, Peter promised himself he would never say those words, just the thought of it making a sick twist in his stomach. The echo of her memories were still playing like a cassette tape in his mind, and they weren't stopping anytime soon. And though he knows that many more people knew May than just himself, Tony and Pepper, he feels a little selfish.

Sure, lots of people from her work, and many family friends were mourning her death, but did they happen to notice Peter? Did they happen to notice the orphan who she left behind? The answer is no, they did nothing to reach out to him. No texts, no voicemails, no emails, nothing. That just proves that no one seems to care about him except for Tony and Pepper. But for him, that is enough to calm his anger for all those people who couldn't give two shits about him.

"Peter, I get that you want to stay in here but at least have something to eat, please." Tony softly says, rubbing the boys back.

_You don't deserve to eat._

"I'm not hungry." The boy mumbles, lying through his teeth. Of course he was hungry, in fact, he knew that he was practically starving. In order for him to keep his metabolism up and keep himself going, he made sure to eat a lot. But that was when May was alive, when she was the only thing keeping him going. What does he have now? A billionaire who is a wannabe dad?

Peter almost cringes at his own thoughts, but Tony stays sitting next to him.

"I'm not trying to force you to do anything, Pete, but what I say goes, you have to eat." Tony says with a sternness in his voice. It's the kind of voice parents use when you know that there's no negotiating with them. It's the same tone May used to use when he didn't want to get out of bed in the morning.

Peter lifts the covers off of him and they both stand up. The boy doesn't even look him in the eyes anymore, brushing past Tony to the bathroom. When he almost slams the door shut, he turns to look at himself in the mirror. God, he is a mess.

His hair is greasy and sticking out into all directions and his eyes just look so tired. He can't even look at himself, so he spins around and turns on the shower with tears in his eyes.

-

"Good morning, Peter, did you sleep well?" Pepper smiles softly at the boy, and all his nerves seem to be at ease for a few fleeting moments. Now he understands why Tony always spoke of Pepper in such a whimsical tone, she's absolutely perfect.

"Um, not really, but it's ok, Mr. Bucky put me back to bed." Peter says, his cheeks flaring crimson. He didn't want to admit that he'd had a bad night, but he felt more at ease with Pepper than anyone else, it was just her gentle aura.

Tony watched from the corner of the kitchen, silently sipping his coffee and seeing as Pepper gave him a bowl, spoon, milk, and cereal for his brunch. Tony smiled fondly at her, catching something in her eye. A little twinkle that seemed to be telling him, _be_ _careful_ _with_ _him_ , _he's_ _just_ _a_ _boy_.

Pepper left with a kiss on Peter's forehead, and he smiled a little as she walked away.

"Ok, kid, we have work to do." Tony says, coming up from the spot he was leaning on the counter. He sets down his coffee cup in the sink and Peter puts away his things silently.

"What are we doing?" The kid says, trailing behind Tony like he did with Bucky the night before.

"It's a surprise." Tony says, pressing the button to the floor of the lab. He has had Peter down there multiple times, sure, but he knew this one would be different.

For the past year he has been working on something that only his closest construction workers and architects had known about, _secret_ _tunnels_. Now, Tony wasn't really sure about the idea at first, having to design the Compound in an entirely different way than he had hoped.

But for the kid, he was willing to do it.

Peter had told him about how he wishes he had secret tunnels and rooms in him and May's small apartment, a dream he's had since he was a kid running around with his parents. Ben had even taken him to parks that had tubes and tunnels just to make him happy.

"I have something to show you." Tony says as they walk into the lab. Now sure, Peter has been here so many times before this, but he never gets tired of how many opportunities and weapons and ideas that lay scattered around the room just for him to explore.

Tony walks over to the corner of the room and presses a button.

Peter lets out a breath behind his dad, " _Holy_ _sh_ -"


	6. and you whisper

_6\. and you whisper_

After Peter's little curse, Tony laughed for the first time after May died. It was a full laugh, the kind that squeezes your lungs and makes the birds in your stomach take flight.

" _Holy_ _shit_ is right, Pete." Tony's laughter subsides as Peter tentatively takes a step in with a small smile on his face as well. He walks a few more steps in and then it's as if he's hit with a wrecking ball.

The memories of homecoming slam into his chest, and suddenly he's stuck under the cement.

And he can't breathe-

And he doesn't know where he is-

 _Someone_ _help_ _me_ -

"Peter!" Tony voice booms throughout his senses, causing a shockwave of sensory overload to wash over him, and he stumbles backwards into the wall. Hot tears are tumbling down his cheeks and he doesn't know how to stop because everything around him is crushing him and he just can't focus because it's _too_ _loud_.

"Stop, Tony! Please." Peter cries and shakes away from the man's grip on him, covering his ears and then pulling his knees to chest as he slides onto the ground. "Don't touch me, _please_." He says in a whisper.

Everywhere Tony touches him even slightly feels like it's on fire. Pain prickles like hot needles on his shoulder and and arm, exactly where his dad was trying to help him from falling.

After the worst moments have subsided, Tony helps him to his feet, wiping away the rest of the tears with the hem of his sweatshirt. "It's ok, buddy, I've got you." Tony says soothingly as Peter stumbles to his room. The man grips him tightly enough not to hurt him again, but loose enough so he can walk by himself.

Tony was leading Peter into those tunnels to show him a secret room that was waiting for them both. He was hoping that he could maybe talk about May's funeral that is coming up, assuming that's what she would've wanted.

Plans had already been laid out by Pepper and Tony, seeing as they are now Peter's legal guardians. She reached out to her co-workers and any distant family, calling and telling them when and what time. Though Pepper was preoccupied with the arrangements, she didn't forget about Peter. Neither did Tony.

They had a long talk about what Tony should say to the boy, and what they should do if this separation anxiety worsens more than it's already growing. Sure, Peter's time with his dad is precious, but the fear that is keeping him glued by his side is too strong from letting him see what he's actually doing.

"I'm sorry, dad, I didn't- I'm sorry." Peter stumbles through his words again while sitting down on the soft bed, feeling even more pathetic as his senses calm down. It's never been that bad before, and Tony witnessing firsthand was pretty embarrassing.

"You don't have to be sorry, it's..." Tony trails off. "We will get through this, k? _Together_."

"I just- I can't control it anymore. Every time I go into a small space it's suddenly like it's homecoming, and I'm under all that cement all over again." Peter helplessly says, wishing that it would go away. The pain of those memories keep resurfacing wherever he goes.

Tony examines Peter's stature, the boy with his head down and glossy eyes. Tony's eyes drift down to his kid's hands, the knuckles white with tight fists. "Pete, open up your hands."

Peter looks up.

" _What_?"

"Open up your hands, kid." Tony repeats just a little louder to get his point across, but he can tell that the boy doesn't want to. "I'm not-" Peter flinches at the raise of volume in his voice, and Tony sighs. "I'm not going to be mad." Peter's dad says more softly.

Tears form in Peter's eyes as he turns toward Tony, opening up his palms to examine the blood. A soft sigh is heard from Tony, and Peter feels so much more guilty now than when he did when Bucky found out.

"Peter... you do know that this is a form of self-harm, right?" Tony barely whispers, but it still sounds muffled to the kid.

"I- It's not- I promise I don't-"

"I know, I know, I didn't think you knew so that's why I'm telling you now. Please just try to not do it, Pete, ok?" He says it so softly and like a parent his heart suddenly remembers May. She would comfort him, hug him, and care for him in the same ways Tony does.

But it was that love that took her away.

Peter doesn't want that love to take Tony away. Just the thought of losing him makes tears spill and heartache he can't describe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so short and i oop-


	7. "I'm alright"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was super rushed so sorry in advance

_7\. "i'm alright"_

Tony doesn't want to tell the boy. But _has_ to tell him, otherwise everything will be a disaster.

Today was a lazy day, another day with passing that just seemed to be another reminder to Peter that nothing was ever going to be the same. He loved Tony and Pepper, but who he loved the most was May.

The sleepy kid stumbled into the kitchen, his teddy bear in one hand and a blanket draped over his shoulder on the other side. He sat down at the table, not even aware of most of his surroundings. Meanwhile, the rest of the Avengers practically stared at Peter as he slunk down in his seat, head resting between his arms and on his teddy bear.

Pepper finally speaks up. "Hey, Peter, did you sleep well?" She comes over and rubs his back as he mumbles a small response, nodding and politely asking if she can make pancakes. With the tight schedule and the rush to leave, she looks over at Steve who only nods, loving the sleepy kid.

"I think Steve will make you some, and take it easy today, ok honey?" Pepper kisses Peter on his curls and leaves with saying goodbye to everyone, giving a look to Tony as she exits.

"So, guys," Tony clears his throat, ninety-nine percent sure that Peter is sleeping on the counter. "I have to run to a meeting that... well, it's going to practically take all day and..." Tony finally stops avoiding everyone's eyes. "Can you babysit?"

"Babysit?" Clint asks, looking up from his bowl with cheerios falling out of his mouth. They all just roll their eyes, saying things and making up some excuses not to. But he moment Peter looks up with those sleepy eyes and tussled curls bouncing on his forehead, they all volunteer.

"Natasha and I could take him shopping with us?" Wanda suggests, but she knows it's a no from Tony.

"Maybe he could help me, I'm going to volunteer in some soup kitchens today." Sam speaks up, but Tony still doesn't think it's a good idea for Peter to leave the compound yet. He needs the kid to be calm for the news he's supposed to tell him tonight.

"Not a good idea, the kid hates crowds." Tony sighs, putting his hand on Pete's back and rubbing him softly.

"Buck and I were planning on staying here, but I think I'll go with Wanda shopping." Steve says, looking over to the two who are watching something on Nat's phone. They look up and Nat nods, telling Wanda the change of plans.

"I've never taken care of a child before, and neither has Bucky." Natasha almost protests. Tony only shrugs, then kisses Peter on the head. 

"Just make sure he eats, since he's been refusing his meals lately. No loud noises, no touching him when he gets panicky unless he tells you to, and _most importantly_ , don't mention May or anything that might trigger something, got it?" Tony sighs again and leans down to the boy.

"I'm gonna go for a little bit, ok buddy?" Tony says softly. Peter mumbles a protest but then falls into the sleepiness again, probably not going to remember it after.

Natasha and Bucky glance at each other and have a silent conversation before sending everyone off for their plans today.

"Oh, here are the pancakes." Steve says, sliding them across the counter and scrambling out the door.

Peter wakes up.

-

"Thanks," Peter mumbles, examining the pancakes. Nat can see the boy's eyes gloss over with something, some kind of damage on the inside. "But I'm not hungry." He stubbornly pushes the plate with steaming hot cakes and syrup away, still recovering from his drowsiness.

Nat nudges Bucky and gives a look, _what do we do now?_

He sighs and leans on the counter. "Peter, you have to eat." Bucky says a little stern. The boy shakes his head and Bucky watches the tears and confusion swirl in his brown eyes. "C'mon, it can't be _that bad_." Bucky scoots the plate closer to the two of them while Nat gets her own breakfast, leaving the man to deal with Peter by himself.

"Where's my dad?" Peter whispers, the puzzle pieces clicking together in his mind.

 _Tony left him_. All because Peter is such a _terrible person_ he can't even be in a room with more than two people, and just because he can't enjoy _anything_ because he's so fucking sad _all the time_ , Tony is going to get rid of him. That's probably where he is right now, signing the finalization papers of his removal from the compound and their lives.

"Peter, he went to a meeting, he won't be back for a while." Bucky looks over at Nat pleadingly because he knows what's coming. The kid is going to freak out, he's most likely going to have another panic attack or worse.

"Bucky, I want Tony _here_ , what if something happens to him while he's gone?" Peter stands up, tears blurring his vision. He wants Tony here, with him, to make sure that he won't get hurt, to make sure he won't die.

_To make sure he won't die._

The words hit him like a truck and knock the wind out of his lungs. The dizziness he was already feeling before this multiplies, and Natasha and Bucky catch him before he falls. Peter sits down on the couch next to them both, his thoughts going through his brain so fast that it makes time slow down.

Bile rises in his throat, threatening to escape when he stumbles over to the nearest toilet.

"Oh, Pete." Nat breathes out, holding her hand on his hot forehead while muttering some curse words minutes later. She rubs his back when contents of his almost empty stomach splatter the toilet before him, making him even more sick the more he looks.

"I want Tony, _please_." Pete can feel the hot tears streaming down his cheeks, an ache so deep in his heart for his dad that he can't even begin to describe. He knows that this codependency is bad, but he can't help it. May _died_ because he wasn't with her, now who knows what will happen to Tony?

"Bucky, why don't you call Tony and ask him how much longer he'll be gone." Nat says, taking the thermometer from the winter soldier and taking Peter's temperature. He has a fever of 104.2 degrees.

_Oh god._

"Bucky?" Natasha calls, and Peter hold his ears and leans away from her. "Sorry, kid." She also almost whispers.

"Yeah?"

"Get Bruce over here."

-

"He should be ok, I gave him an IV for fluids and a sedative to calm him down. His heart rate was pretty high for a small guy like him." Bruce looks at the two babysitters, wanting some answers.

"He wanted Tony, he was so shaken up I wasn't sure what was happening-"

"Codependency." Bruce interrupts with a sigh.

"What?" The pair say in unison.

"Codependency is when you rely on someone a little too much, or you're so attached to them that it could damage you emotionally." Bruce continues. "Tony was telling me about it the other day, Peter was so scared that Tony was going to die, just like his aunt did."

Bruce moves them farther away from the sleeping boy with his teddy bear. "She went out looking for him one night and was caught in the crossfire in a hit and run. The kid has been a mess since. Plus, Tony also told me to check what therapists were the best because on top of all that, the boy has major PTSD." He shakes his head sadly. "So sad, I wish he didn't have to go through all this, he's just a kid. Not to mention his aunt's funeral is I a few days."

"M-May's funeral?"

Peter has waken up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my boy Peter Parker just can't sleep in peace can he :(


End file.
